For now I just I find myself awake and frustrated in the wee hours of the next morning. I try to look to the future as a bright beacon of hope only to have the lighthouse shadowed with growing depression and eventual loneliness. I know (with growing doubt) that these things too will pass.
To think, I actually cry at the thought of moving away from him. I feel next time I'm in a sour mood and he insults my driving I'll ask him to get out of the car and walk to his destination. I get angry at myself wondering if I have merely been a fool all along. I am willing to bend over backwards to make his life a little brighter, but I feel my efforts continuously go unnoticed. I just kept thinking "Well, I'm here and I thought I was making things a little better." I have begun to wonder if I am merely a necessary pawn caught in emotional servitude and if my eventual departure will mean any more than a loss of my services. Any attempt to draw some positivism in his life was shot down. I was met with continuous negativity (rightly so as the maintenance on this car is absurd). Just yesterday I sacrificed a whole afternoon and evening towards homework to assisting in the repair of his transportation. My companion has his moments, but generates his own form of emotional chaos and stress in my life. My peers and friends here are several degrees more removed than the friends I am accustomed to having, but I suppose this is part of "growing up". It is an alienating feeling to watch everyone around you marry and being to bear offspring. Yet, most of those friends I have found decided to skip this "grad school" stop and have moved onto other stops that I cannot even begin to relate to. I wish I had been able to have as actively involved friends as I had in my undergrad. she also has her own set of stresses and my brother is in his own walk in life that is far removed from my current situation. I dare not put more stress on my baby sister. The last thing I need is their little lectures and their mask of artificial concern. I've grown accustomed to their assistance to not be worth the trouble and harassment and talking about my problems with them only seem to intensify my hatred of their piss poor parenting.
I'm grasping for straws and coming up empty my cocktail is a virgin. a way to make life a little better and bearable. Generally, I'd say that people in my life act like alcohol. Between an ex boyfriend and my thesis I fear my confidence is rather wreaked. I keep wondering if I am just inept, or my project truly sucks. I want to search for jobs but I fear I will end up in a mental hospital (I can't afford) before I come close to finishing my thesis and accept a job offer. I cannot determine which part of my thesis is the most aggravating: all the road blocks to finishing my thesis or the fact my thesis is negatively affecting my classwork. Top this with the exhaustion of treading in the sea of debt and the continuous stream of self doubt. I am frustrated with my body's inability to get along with my birth control to make an already terrible experience better. Today I found myself a nasty cocktail of emotions swimming in the toxicity of the hormonal Red Nile.
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